SEX!

I don’t know if I should talk about this one, I’m pretty shy. But it needs to be done. Add to that, most of my clients seem to be as corrupt as a federal sports grant, so this is for you, you bunch of messed-up deviates.
I’m not going to lie, and relatives, y’all need to block your ears here, but when Wife and I first got together, it was pretty ‘exciting’. It was crazy, that’s all I’m going to say. Apart from when you combine a 100k runner with a testosterone-swamped troglodyte lifter, you have more good time’s than a cannibal in a morgue.
But we had things then that we don’t have now.
We had so much time! If we want to hook up now, I think our only window is every second Wednesday between 2 and 2:15.
We had energy! Why not have sex at night, you say? Well #### you, I say. The two babies have worked harder on us than the CIA’s waterboarding team, and it’s safe to say that on any given night, we have about as much energy as a cat in a sunbeam. I’ve actually renamed my junk ‘The Tranquiliser’, because when ever it comes up, Wife suddenly gets sleepy.
There is so much to do. Trying to time these things between naps, feeds, washing loads and meals is a complete nightmare. Where once we could lounge in bed all day, watching Netflix and waiting out each petit mort till the moment took us, now we need two weeks of emails and a lot of luck. When we were trying to fall pregnant, Wife would actually put ‘dates’ in my work calendars. Once I booked an appointment over one, and she got madder than a junkie in a fork factory.
Essentially any tryst has to be opportunistic, spontaneous and more efficient than seal team six, and about as sneaky. We’ve become very ‘goal’ focussed (though it’s hard to kick a goal when you’re rarely on the pitch).
So I’m digging in like a tick on a kangaroo, holding out for better weather.
If you’re going to have a kid with someone, make sure you love that person with everything you have.
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