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Welcome….
So you’re thinking of clocking on to the baby roster and you’re not sure if it’s for you? Scared? Nervous? Fucking Terrified? Weighing up the pros of living free as a slutty bird or the cons of anchoring yourself to an angry anchor that needs feeding for the entire term of your natural life? Maybe you’ve decided that you’re sick of leaving the house without taking most of it with you, or you would prefer that your sex life becomes a series of rushed, silent opportunistic trysts that seem more like an ambush. It’s even possible that you have decided that you and your partner don’t have enough things to fight about. As an example, while I’ve been trying to write this, my wife has been talking to me about how we are going to Dunsborough for a friend’s birthday in two weeks, and about how we need to decide what to do with a spare sofa, my 3 year old son has been demanding an ice lolly that I don’t want to give him and one of the dogs is having an asthma attack. This is all to a hellish background noise of cartoons, a gurgling infant and a boiling kettle. This is my fucking reality. If you are still interested then you may actually make a passable parent. Parenting is about questioning everything you know regarding safety, hygiene, routine, comfort, relaxation, vacations, sleeping, food and about constant terrified vigilance. It also forces you to face all the shit you think you know about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting through the stages. There is nothing that raises your eyebrows in a subtle way more than a prospective first-time parent telling you ‘Oh, I don’t need cupboard locks, my little darling will be taught boundaries’ or ‘I won’t use food rewards, my little tyrant will be able to delay their gratification’ or my personal favourite ‘I’ll never use a dummy to help my baby sleep’. I know I’m sounding negative, but it’s just pragmatism and experience, and while I’m being realistic, I can safely say that nothing has brought me more joy, nothing has filled me with more affection, nothing has made me capable of such complete selflessness than having a child. It is an addictive, otherworldly experience that compels you to develop a complete disregard for social mores and rules and all the other things you may have once held onto, because you now have a priority that is overwhelmingly more important. This blog isn’t about advising you on how to anything, there are plenty of better-researched, better-written and more pompous tomes for you to wade through. It’s about sharing my experiences in the realest way possible, so that if you have moments like these, you might feel less like you failed, and more like you’re surviving in the trenches with the rest of us
The Perfect Parenting Guide To Perfectly Perfect Parenting 